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May. 2nd, 2010

i wish i knew who i am.
ever since i was little, i wanted to be a doctor. no chance of that happening now...i am terrible at science. :/ thanks mass academy, for helping me to realize that. just checked my chemistry grades...i have lost too many points on tests to get an A *sadness* what pisses me off is...i've been working so hard this term, reading the book and doing a ton of questions...while the person next to me (won't name names) plays on his computer all during lectures, doesn't study, and is doing way better than me. and he's not even going to be a chemistry major...argh life is unfair.
i doubt i'd get an A in math this term either...which is starting to make me doubt that i deserve tufts. i mean...im clearly not smart enough.
i can do math...i admit senioritis has caught up to me in math this term...i just can't apply science to real life? *is fail* i'm not a scientist, i used to think i was good at science, now i don't know anything about myself.
maybe mass academy has taught me that...i'm not cut out for the math/science fields. maybe i should be an english major or something haha.
and...going to a poetry thing...i don't know if i'm cut out to be a poet. i mean sure, it seems that anybody can write poetry, it's so diverse and everyone has their own perspective...but do i have the right to call myself a poet?
and i was wondering about the future of the poetry stuff. i was sad that i'm not going to be around to make the worcester youth poetry team (wonder who got in...couldn't do it since i'm not going to be around during brave new voices in july)
and just...can i continue this stuff for the rest of my life? will i still have time? will i even care about poetry in 5 years?
i need something to cheer me up. these past few days have been awful and i just don't know what to do with myself.
i'm so confused about myself, life, the future... *sighs*

Comments

thats_my_story
May. 2nd, 2010 05:04 pm (UTC)
If you didn't deserve tufts, you wouldn't have gotten in, but you did. Grades are not a reflection of what you know, but what you can remember when you're writing a test. <~ even my sister says this who is a teacher. Don't let one or two classes, and one prof let you stray from what you really want to be/do. Let this challenge you - let it push you even more to succeed so that in 10 or so years you can look back and be like, despite what I felt at this point, despite what I was made to believe, I did it. I know you can do it. And I know you will.

Who cares if you care about poetry in five years - it doesn't take away the time you did care about it. I haven't gone to a poetry event in like a year almost, and do I care about it - I'm still figuring that out. Definitely not as much as I used too, but it doesn't take away the year that it did mean the world to me, you know? I will always remember that time and treasure the good moments.

I know everything is confusing, but once you sort through it, and you will, you'll know exactly what to do, even if its hard/scary/etc.