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I hate Facebook. It's stupid, pointless, arghh
Yet I'm addicted. It's distracting and waste of time.
But I hate it.
Emotional health-wise...it's bad. It's really bad.
I dwell on stupid things like why this person never commented back on my status, why my status didn't get as many likes as I thought it would...it can really make me feel like shit.
I know I shouldn't, but I often take it personally when people delete me as a friend. Am I too annoying? Do I post stupid statuses too much? Do you just not like me? What did I ever do to you?
I took off my birthday from Facebook because I don't want to dwell on who didn't say happy birthday and wondering why...if it has to do with me.
But for those who might actually care, I'm turning 19 next Monday :)

Jan. 15th, 2011

I'm watching this season of Private Practice.
...I really really want Addison to be wrong about SOMETHING so she can stop acting like a self-righteous bitch.
And not a cool bitch like she was on Grey's Anatomy.
She is so annoying to watch.
Gotta say, I watch mostly for Violet/Amy Brenneman
This is a stupid rant aha. It's nice to forget about the real world...
I've been sorta mentioning the possibility of dropping out of school.
Honestly though, knowing me, it really can't be serious because I don't know what else I'd do with my life, school is the only thing I'm good at (or used to be).
My dad lectured me today on how I should stay in school, even though Tufts is wayy harder than WPI was I should keep trying. (I miss the days when humanities classes were jokes and I did well in them)
Well anyway...I suppose my resolution for 2011 is to make my spring semester better than my fall semester.
Not that my fall semester was bad, exactly, I just...felt so lost in every aspect of my life...i want more direction, more focus
Didn't realize until this year how much Christmas sucks if you're not Christian.
Or have relatives that hate each other.
Meh.
Even seeing Remy's family made me cry afterwards. They make me so uncomfortable.
Don't want to be a total Scrooge, but who reads this journal anyway?
i want to drop out of school, but i wouldn't know what else i'd do with myself.
is one good week too much to ask?
meh. i suppose things could be worse.
I should be excited for college.
There is a ton of stuff in my room in anticipation for moving day.
Dreading is a little too strong a word.
Maybe I'm just...really anxious. I don't know what to expect, whether it'll be good or bad, whether I'll be a freak there or not. I'm so scared of not fitting in. I mean people are so talkative on the discussion boards, I'm holding off on that because I'm scared I'll come off the wrong way? Although its just online stuff, not everyone is there, not everyone takes it seriously. I know that stuff won't matter when we're all actually there, but I'm nervous.
I just want to hold on to high school (junior and senior years particularly) because I'm afraid to move on.
Afraid of the unknown.
I feel like I should really change as a person by the time I get to college, since its a time to reinvent myself and only a handful of people actually know me...but I'm still the same old boring person. Blaaargh.
Today's just one of those days where im like blahimsoawkwardwhydoihavefriends.
I'm tired and my mind is slow and therefore all this stupid shit comes out of my mouth without me really thinking cause my mind is too tired to think.

I got kicked out of a mall today. I'm so badass.
...Not really. I got kicked out for taking pictures. Who know they were so strict about that kind of thing?

May. 2nd, 2010

i wish i knew who i am.
ever since i was little, i wanted to be a doctor. no chance of that happening now...i am terrible at science. :/ thanks mass academy, for helping me to realize that. just checked my chemistry grades...i have lost too many points on tests to get an A *sadness* what pisses me off is...i've been working so hard this term, reading the book and doing a ton of questions...while the person next to me (won't name names) plays on his computer all during lectures, doesn't study, and is doing way better than me. and he's not even going to be a chemistry major...argh life is unfair.
i doubt i'd get an A in math this term either...which is starting to make me doubt that i deserve tufts. i mean...im clearly not smart enough.
i can do math...i admit senioritis has caught up to me in math this term...i just can't apply science to real life? *is fail* i'm not a scientist, i used to think i was good at science, now i don't know anything about myself.
maybe mass academy has taught me that...i'm not cut out for the math/science fields. maybe i should be an english major or something haha.
and...going to a poetry thing...i don't know if i'm cut out to be a poet. i mean sure, it seems that anybody can write poetry, it's so diverse and everyone has their own perspective...but do i have the right to call myself a poet?
and i was wondering about the future of the poetry stuff. i was sad that i'm not going to be around to make the worcester youth poetry team (wonder who got in...couldn't do it since i'm not going to be around during brave new voices in july)
and just...can i continue this stuff for the rest of my life? will i still have time? will i even care about poetry in 5 years?
i need something to cheer me up. these past few days have been awful and i just don't know what to do with myself.
i'm so confused about myself, life, the future... *sighs*

Apr. 13th, 2010

I don't know if i made the right decision.
I sent my deposit to Tufts, but I don't know.
This girl who knew me since elementary school got in too, and is probably going. We were best friends in 4th grade, until she just...broke it off. Which was kind of bitchy of her I guess. I felt so betrayed. Yeah I was weird back then, and now everyone talks about how nice she is...but...I don't know. Shes friendly and all, knows how to stand up for herself, and definitely has a bitchy side.
And while shes smart and deserves it...I wanted to put my past behind me. Start over fresh. But with her there...ugh. Oh well...there are over a thousand freshman, we probably won't see each other much. And she might have applied to the college of engineering, while I will probably major in psych.
It's not that I completely dislike her, I'm pretty indifferent to her now. But she's just a reminder of how awkward I was a kid, and I don't want to think about that in college.

Wesleyan...didn't give me as much money, and is farther away. Yet I sometimes wonder if I would fit in with the hipsters/hippies. Then again...they're a lot of artists. They're into drugs and shit. That would make me feel really awkward, as I am lame/boring and try to stay away from those mind-altering substances. I like to stay in control of my mind and body, thank you very much. Part of me feels like I'm missing out. On paper, Wesleyan is higher rated/ranked than Tufts, but people i've talked to...agree that Tufts is a better school anyway. Sure Wesleyan is this artsy, liberal school...and I would be happy there, but my mother is paying and Tufts surprisingly gave me a better deal. And I wouldn't have to worry about transportation...and I would be near the city. Katherine is going to MIT nearby, and we shall visit each other a lot, I hope. It'd be nice to have someone I know close by. I guess...Dr. Traver and Dr. Sumner both raved at how it has one of the best pre-med programs in the country.

Which leads to my next doubt. Do I still want to go into medicine? I feel like I was meant for it, but...I am terrible at science. I don't need much calculus, and I can handle that. Physics...one year...sure. Chemistry...I'm not doing so well now, which makes me doubt myself. Oh well. I think I can do it. Then again...if that doesn't end up happening, I'd probably go to grad school and go into psychotherapy. Psychology is awesome. And I think Tufts has a great program. Sure, Wesleyan seems like a better school on paper, but it just feels so secluded.

I hope I made the right choice.